I do worry about my lack of social skills.
Isn't your social skills suppose to develop in your teen years? Like high school and college are a great time to gain lifelong friends. Unfortunately, i've never gone to a real high school and the friendships i've made in college have basically gone to dust. Sure there's also work, but I work at home, and my co-worker lives all the way in Georgia.
That's the thing about me, I have no social skills whatsoever! I can't carry a conversation; i'm not good at keeping up with people.
The whole idea of starting a friendship is finding common interest, something you can talk about with someone. And I do, usually. When I meet someone who I have an ounce of common interest with, we talk about for like five minutes maybe and then the conversation just dwindles down until we're left with an awkward silence and then just...move away from each other.
That's just one of my issues.
Sometimes, when the conversation goes really well, you exchange contact information in hopes you can continue this conversation or start new ones. That's what texting is normally for, or facebook or whatever. But I am never the one who says 'hey' first. I can't because i'm shy and insecure and what if that other person is busy? I can never choke up to being the first one to say hello. And even when I do, the reply will be about an hour, in which I am left to just be paranoid and think 'oh god, it was too soon!' 'oh god, they probably think i'm too pushy or weird or crazy' 'oh god, they didn't really like me and was just being nice' 'oh god, they probably think i'm some weird crazy stalker girl who talks about [insert fandom] too much!'
Yes, I am paranoid.
But when there is texting or messaging involved, it's the same as when I have a conversation. We share about 5 messages where we're ALL CAPS COMMENTING to each other and then the conversation just stops. And after that, either I don't hear from them again (or, in most of my cases with online friends, I only talk to them when something MAJOR happens in the fandom and that's about it) And I don't want to contact them back because most of the time, I feel like i'm bothering them. Or that i've waited too long to correspond to them and they've already forgotten about me.
And that's another thing, sometimes when I do meet people and we get to chat, whether we have the same interests or not, I always get this feeling that they don't want to be friends with me. It's not that they don't like me, they probably do. But sometimes i get this feeling they're not really out looking for a new friend, or want a new friend. They have friends of their own and that's more than enough for them. Sometimes I meet a group of people, actually get to have a nice moment where we talk about something we both like. And it's a nice moment. But then the moment passes and they leave and I go on my way. But every time this happens, I always hope they'd be like 'hey wanna come join us?'
How pathetic is that?! What world do i think I live in? Some teen drama? But yes, that is the kind of world I want to live in - sans all the murder and actual drama where it gets all too soap opera-y. I want a world where it's easy for me to make friends.
But I can't have that world because that doesn't exist. A stranger or a group of stranger isn't gonna invite me to hang out with them at the mall because they don't know me. And I don't know them. Nor is anyone gonna come up to me and start talking to me because i'm a stranger. Sure they may comment on something on my person, but that's not an invitation - on both our parts - to be best friends forever. Besides, I don't think anyone would come up to me and strike any kind of conversation. I think i give off one of those 'do not disturb me' vibe. Maybe it's cause i'm always looking down at my phone or pretending i'm doing something else.
All in all, i'm just a fucking ball of social anxiety mess!
How the fuck do people meet new friends and actually STAY friends????
I'm surprise i even have friends in the first place!
I know the normal way is to meet them at school or at work, because that's where you guys are at every day. That's where you see each other every day and where you become familiar with them. I get that whole scenario. It doesn't even have to be school or work. You could go to a place regularly and from there you'll see/meet someone who also goes there regularly and you've sort of become familiar with them.
Unfortunately for me, I don't go to school. And the people I talk to at work (and by talk, I mean IM) live all over the country (and not just that but they're older with a family and everything. In fact, i'm pretty sure i'm the youngest out of all of them.) And I don't even have a hang out spot because i'm at home literally everyday. I can't drive, and even if I can, i'd have to take my 8 year old brother with me; who am I gonna meet with an 8 year old? Young mothers, maybe, or mothers in general, that's fine with me. I love my brother and I love taking care of him. But like, my life is so consumed by him, that it literally took away my youth years. I want to hang out with people who I can talk to about my common interest, and I don't think the mother's at the park like Arrow or LBD or Marvel the way I do.
(a lot of the times, when I talk to people about these, I get over fangirly and that's where the 'she's fucking crazy' red flag comes. Bye, bye potential friendship)
The only time I go out without family is with Linda and normally during that time we're just hanging out with a group of friends that we already know. We also mainly hang out with her friends, who are friendly with me and I have no problem with. But it's really difficult having a conversation or even wanting to join in their conversation when all they want to do is drink and smoke and do drugs and at some point one of them has been to jail. I don't really care about all of that, god knows I smoke on social occasions, and I drink a little too enthusiastically. But I don't really want to talk about the gangster shit they've been up to, or talking about their baby mama. I don't really have anything to add to the conversation. So to Linda's friends, i'm just the weird, quiet Asian that Linda drags around sometimes.
They aren't my people, is my point. I could tell Linda i'd want to hang out somewhere where there are people who share my interests of art and fandoms, but I don't really know where that would be anyway (outside of the internet).
Which is why the internet really is my friend. And I don't mean the people I meet on the internet (although you guys are my friends too) but I mean the websites and fanfiction and videos and tv shows and movies, they are my friends. They are the constant in my life who makes me happy when i'm sad, who gives me company when i feel lonely. I like watching vlogs where the people are meeting up with their friends and having a good time and being weird and silly without any judgement. I like to read fanfiction about my favorite character being friends with another character that I like, especially the non-canon friendships because those are a guilty pleasure. I reblog posts from tumblr blogs that I admire but never really have the courage to talk to them, yet their presence on my dashboard makes me feel better.
I basically have a one sides friendship with the internet.
tl;dr - I have no idea how to make friends and I am very bad at meeting new people.
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