It doesn't happen that often, actually it's only ever happened once before. They happen so rarely that when it does happen, I try not to let it, or I can't recognize it until it does happen. - which is the same case as last night.
I was hit with this feeling of how I literally have nowhere to go in my life.
For the longest time, I always wanted to do something that involved the showbusiness industries. I always thought, maybe be a writer for one of those gossip shows considering my love for pop culture. But then it evolved; I wanted to write TV, movies, anything that tells a story! I wanted to direct and make videos of my own.
For a long time, I didn't know that's what I had wanted in my life. I just tried so hard to do something that involved creativity. And it happened, I was in art school for a while doing something that I liked, learning things that really interested me. I knew deep down it wasn't what I wanted to do, but it was a good start.
But then that had stopped when I dropped out and moved away.
So now i'm at a job that I don't like, too afraid to go after things that can be better for me because of my lack of transportation and just general life experience. This job is one of two things I depend on in terms off security (first is my mom) and the thought of losing it is just traumatizing.
But it's not even about my future career. I mean, yes, I would like to actually have a job that I like instead of doing something for a few years then move on. Like a career that I actually want instead of just what came my way and I get stuck doing it forever.
But to be honest, i'm scared that i'll be stuck here. Living with my mom, dependent on her until one of us dies. Cause where i'm sitting right now, there is no other option for me out there other than living with my mother.
I have no one else, no connections or friends that I can count on to help me take out of this misery. The closest I have would be Linda or Michelle, but with Michelle it's a bit awkward at this point. She has bigger plans that I wont be able to fit into. And with Linda, who knows. She can either move out of her parents house and into an apartment with a friend of hers or move out of the state all together. I would love to be that friends, i'm just not sure if I can afford it (see my reason with my job above)
See, what brought this on is I went to San Francisco yesterday and we drove through the city. And as we drove by, seeing all the houses and downtown, I can see myself living there. I want to live there, it looks exactly like the kind of scene i'd be into. I like that life, being able to walk everywhere with beautiful scenery as you go.
But it also came to me the cold hard truth, I will never be able to live there. Not on my own at least.
There's nothing that can take me there. No job prospects or friends that I can live on their couch for. There's nothing that can even take me there for a small little vacation (other than with my family and their mostly interested in going to the same tourist place as ever)
My family have always told me that I am capable in doing whatever I set out to. And not in that loving way all family do. They actually believe I can achieve all these things and that I have the drive to do so.
And I probably could, except I wont. I can damn try and do my best, but It wont get me real far. Like I said, where do I even begin???
I'm not the kind of person who just goes and head starts something just cause I want to. (even though my personality as seen through my family - cousins - say otherwise) I need a stable foundation first, a reason and a plan. I'd need to have a reason to move to San Francisco on my own (or anywhere for that matter), a job maybe, or for school. I can handle moving on my own to a place where I don't know anybody if I had a reason for being there. If there's something that can keep me alive (food, shelter, etc..)
The thing that my family don't know or realize is that I work best if I have footsteps to follow - and then I find my own path along the way.
Anyways, this is why I had a complete breakdown in the middle of the night. Because this is my life and there's no other possibilities that I see myself in.
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