I don't know where I'm Going

I sometimes have these moments of just breaking down.

It doesn't happen that often, actually it's only ever happened once before. They happen so rarely that when it does happen, I try not to let it, or I can't recognize it until it does happen. - which is the same case as last night.

I was hit with this feeling of how I literally have nowhere to go in my life. 

For the longest time, I always wanted to do something that involved the showbusiness industries. I always thought, maybe be a writer for one of those gossip shows considering my love for pop culture. But then it evolved; I wanted to write TV, movies, anything that tells a story! I wanted to direct and make videos of my own. 

For a long time, I didn't know that's what I had wanted in my life. I just tried so hard to do something that involved creativity. And it happened, I was in art school for a while doing something that I liked, learning things that really interested me. I knew deep down it wasn't what I wanted to do, but it was a good start.

But then that had stopped when I dropped out and moved away. 

So now i'm at a job that I don't like, too afraid to go after things that can be better for me because of my lack of transportation and just general life experience. This job is one of two things I depend on in terms off security (first is my mom) and the thought of losing it is just traumatizing.

But it's not even about my future career. I mean, yes, I would like to actually have a job that I like instead of doing something for a few years then move on. Like a career that I actually want instead of just what came my way and I get stuck doing it forever. 

But to be honest, i'm scared that i'll be stuck here. Living with my mom, dependent on her until one of us dies. Cause where i'm sitting right now, there is no other option for me out there other than living with my mother. 

I have no one else, no connections or friends that I can count on to help me take out of this misery. The closest I have would be Linda or Michelle, but with Michelle it's a bit awkward at this point. She has bigger plans that I wont be able to fit into. And with Linda, who knows. She can either move out of her parents house and into an apartment with a friend of hers or move out of the state all together. I would love to be that friends, i'm just not sure if I can afford it (see my reason with my job above)

See, what brought this on is I went to San Francisco yesterday and we drove through the city. And as we drove by, seeing all the houses and downtown, I can see myself living there. I want to live there, it looks exactly like the kind of scene i'd be into. I like that life, being able to walk everywhere with beautiful scenery as you go. 

But it also came to me the cold hard truth, I will never be able to live there. Not on my own at least. 

There's nothing that can take me there. No job prospects or friends that I can live on their couch for. There's nothing that can even take me there for a small little vacation (other than with my family and their mostly interested in going to the same tourist place as ever)

My family have always told me that I am capable in doing whatever I set out to. And not in that loving way all family do. They actually believe I can achieve all these things and that I have the drive to do so.

And I probably could, except I wont. I can damn try and do my best, but It wont get me real far. Like I said, where do I even begin??? 

I'm not the kind of person who just goes and head starts something just cause I want to. (even though my personality as seen through my family - cousins - say otherwise) I need a stable foundation first, a reason and a plan. I'd need to have a reason to move to San Francisco on my own (or anywhere for that matter), a job maybe, or for school. I can handle moving on my own to a place where I don't know anybody if I had a reason for being there. If there's something that can keep me alive (food, shelter, etc..) 

The thing that my family don't know or realize is that I work best if I have footsteps to follow - and then I find my own path along the way. 

Anyways, this is why I had a complete breakdown in the middle of the night. Because this is my life and there's no other possibilities that I see myself in.

I've become a new Mommy!

This is a bit of an exclusive because i've not announced this yet on facebook or instagram. I'm not allowed to show this in any place where my family members can see, not yet at least.

But I am just so excited that I wanted to show them to the one place where only strangers can see!

LOOK AT MY NEW BABIES!

Meet Olaf and Sven. They are about a month old and still drinking milk. They are half Pomeranian and half Chihuahua. Both are brothers (and we've even contemplated on naming them Thor and Loki, but we've already got Olaf and Sven picked out for weeks) They are both trouble makers, I can already tell. Sven has this 'I don't give a fuck' attitude while Olaf is just stubborn. 

If you know anything about me, you'd know that I love dogs. I absolutely love dogs. I had a dog growing up, a Welsh Corgi named Chandler, who was the love of my life. He was my little brother. And then, around the same time my actual, human being brother was born, we got another dog. He was a Pitbull named Keno. We didn't intend to adopt him but no one else would. He was a pain in my ass but I still loved him.

When we moved to the Philippines, we couldn't take them with us. Chandler went to my stepdad (who had gotten him for us) and Keno went to my uncle (who had gotten him for us). While we were in the Philippines, our uncle kept telling us Keno kept trying to escape and went looking for us (he almost tackled a girl who looked like me) until one day, Keno just ran away. They never found him. Keno was not registered so most likely dog catchers got him and he was sent to the pound. Thinking about that just makes me sad. 

Chandler, on the other hand, is living peacefully with my stepdad, but he's old. Today, Chandler is 15 years old. The separation between the two dogs was just too much for them, I could tell. They've never separated since they were brought together. One time, they ran away from our house together. Mom and I thought we'd need to split up to find them, only to find them still together a block away. As much as Chandler was annoyed by Keno, he would never leave his side (it's a cute site to see. a small little Corgi being so protective over a HUGE pitbull)

Anyways, Chandler is old now. He hasn't bathed IN A YEAR and at this point, my stepdad can't bathe him, he needs to be at the groomers. But he can't cause he has a history of biting so he was banned. He has gotten so fat now, and a lot of that has to do with the excess fur that shed from him but are still hanging on to him in between his other fur. His nails are so long that they curl, which makes it difficult for him to walk. He has arthritis too, so he's slow, or not moving at all. Really, at the moment, we're just waiting for him to kick it. It's a miracle he's lasted this long.

My mom and I would have taken Chandler with us; we can take care of him much better. We would have preferred of it that way, but we live in an apartment. Also, Chandler would need to be groomed before being able to step in our apartment. My mom and I have been counting the days until we can move to an actual house so we can get a dog (the larger space and privacy is a thing we want too, but we mainly wanted a dog) My mom and my brother are just like me, we're dog people. When we were in the Philippines, at one point we had six dogs. And then, when one of our dogs kept getting pregnant (she was pregnant 3 times in a year) we always decided to keep one puppy. That puppy would grow up in our house and we'd house train her (teach her not to go out in the streets, etc...) and then when they're big enough, we'd let them live with my uncle who had a huge land, perfect for dogs to run. That was us, we're just huge dog people.

We weren't planning on getting a dog until after we moved to a house, but they just kind of fell in our lap. My mom's friend's dog gave birth and was giving them away for $50, so my mom immediately got one. She only bought one, but when we went to pick them up, there were still some left, so my mom got two. (which is actually smart, this way the dogs wont be lonely growing up) And now here they are, sleeping in a box on my bed.

When I say i've become a new mommy, I literally feel like a new mommy. They're still drinking milk and are not able to drink out of a bowl yet so we have to bottle feed them. And of course, being babies, they're schedule is mixed and definitely not matching mine. I woke up three times in the middle of the night to make them milk and feed them SEPARATELY. 

But they are cute, JUST LOOK AT THEM!

How Do You Friend?

I do worry about my lack of social skills.

Isn't your social skills suppose to develop in your teen years? Like high school and college are a great time to gain lifelong friends. Unfortunately, i've never gone to a real high school and the friendships i've made in college have basically gone to dust. Sure there's also work, but I work at home, and my co-worker lives all the way in Georgia.

That's the thing about me, I have no social skills whatsoever! I can't carry a conversation; i'm not good at keeping up with people.

The whole idea of starting a friendship is finding common interest, something you can talk about with someone. And I do, usually. When I meet someone who I have an ounce of common interest with, we talk about for like five minutes maybe and then the conversation just dwindles down until we're left with an awkward silence and then just...move away from each other.

That's just one of my issues.

Sometimes, when the conversation goes really well, you exchange contact information in hopes you can continue this conversation or start new ones. That's what texting is normally for, or facebook or whatever. But I am never the one who says 'hey' first. I can't because i'm shy and insecure and what if that other person is busy? I can never choke up to being the first one to say hello. And even when I do, the reply will be about an hour, in which I am left to just be paranoid and think 'oh god, it was too soon!' 'oh god, they probably think i'm too pushy or weird or crazy' 'oh god, they didn't really like me and was just being nice' 'oh god, they probably think i'm some weird crazy stalker girl who talks about [insert fandom] too much!'

Yes, I am paranoid.

But when there is texting or messaging involved, it's the same as when I have a conversation. We share about 5 messages where we're ALL CAPS COMMENTING to each other and then the conversation just stops. And after that, either I don't hear from them again (or, in most of my cases with online friends, I only talk to them when something MAJOR happens in the fandom and that's about it) And I don't want to contact them back because most of the time, I feel like i'm bothering them. Or that i've waited too long to correspond to them and they've already forgotten about me.

And that's another thing, sometimes when I do meet people and we get to chat, whether we have the same interests or not, I always get this feeling that they don't want to be friends with me. It's not that they don't like me, they probably do. But sometimes i get this feeling they're not really out looking for a new friend, or want a new friend. They have friends of their own and that's more than enough for them. Sometimes I meet a group of people, actually get to have a nice moment where we talk about something we both like. And it's a nice moment. But then the moment passes and they leave and I go on my way. But every time this happens, I always hope they'd be like 'hey wanna come join us?'

How pathetic is that?! What world do i think I live in? Some teen drama? But yes, that is the kind of world I want to live in - sans all the murder and actual drama where it gets all too soap opera-y. I want a world where it's easy for me to make friends.

But I can't have that world because that doesn't exist. A stranger or a group of stranger isn't gonna invite me to hang out with them at the mall because they don't know me. And I don't know them. Nor is anyone gonna come up to me and start talking to me because i'm a stranger. Sure they may comment on something on my person, but that's not an invitation - on both our parts - to be best friends forever. Besides, I don't think anyone would come up to me and strike any kind of conversation. I think i give off one of those 'do not disturb me' vibe. Maybe it's cause i'm always looking down at my phone or pretending i'm doing something else.

All in all, i'm just a fucking ball of social anxiety mess!

How the fuck do people meet new friends and actually STAY friends????

I'm surprise i even have friends in the first place!

I know the normal way is to meet them at school or at work, because that's where you guys are at every day. That's where you see each other every day and where you become familiar with them. I get that whole scenario. It doesn't even have to be school or work. You could go to a place regularly and from there you'll see/meet someone who also goes there regularly and you've sort of become familiar with them.

Unfortunately for me, I don't go to school. And the people I talk to at work (and by talk, I mean IM) live all over the country (and not just that but they're older with a family and everything. In fact, i'm pretty sure i'm the youngest out of all of them.) And I don't even have a hang out spot because i'm at home literally everyday. I can't drive, and even if I can, i'd have to take my 8 year old brother with me; who am I gonna meet with an 8 year old? Young mothers, maybe, or mothers in general, that's fine with me. I love my brother and I love taking care of him. But like, my life is so consumed by him, that it literally took away my youth years. I want to hang out with people who I can talk to about my common interest, and I don't think the mother's at the park like Arrow or LBD or Marvel the way I do.

(a lot of the times, when I talk to people about these, I get over fangirly and that's where the 'she's fucking crazy' red flag comes. Bye, bye potential friendship)

The only time I go out without family is with Linda and normally during that time we're just hanging out with a group of friends that we already know. We also mainly hang out with her friends, who are friendly with me and I have no problem with. But it's really difficult having a conversation or even wanting to join in their conversation when all they want to do is drink and smoke and do drugs and at some point one of them has been to jail. I don't really care about all of that, god knows I smoke on social occasions, and I drink a little too enthusiastically. But I don't really want to talk about the gangster shit they've been up to, or talking about their baby mama. I don't really have anything to add to the conversation. So to Linda's friends, i'm just the weird, quiet Asian that Linda drags around sometimes.

They aren't my people, is my point. I could tell Linda i'd want to hang out somewhere where there are people who share my interests of art and fandoms, but I don't really know where that would be anyway (outside of the internet).

Which is why the internet really is my friend. And I don't mean the people I meet on the internet (although you guys are my friends too) but I mean the websites and fanfiction and videos and tv shows and movies, they are my friends. They are the constant in my life who makes me happy when i'm sad, who gives me company when i feel lonely. I like watching vlogs where the people are meeting up with their friends and having a good time and being weird and silly without any judgement. I like to read fanfiction about my favorite character being friends with another character that I like, especially the non-canon friendships because those are a guilty pleasure. I reblog posts from tumblr blogs that I admire but never really have the courage to talk to them, yet their presence on my dashboard makes me feel better.

I basically have a one sides friendship with the internet.

tl;dr - I have no idea how to make friends and I am very bad at meeting new people.

Blame it on Me

This weekend was suppose to be a nice, throwback weekend. Can I just have that? I know it may be so much to ask for things to go back to the way it was, even for a little while, but apparently we can't?

Michelle came back for the summer and this weekend was suppose to be the first time Linda and I see her and we'd get to hang out, have a sleep over, and then spend Sunday just being lazy.

It did not go that way.

Original plan was, watch a matinee movie on Saturday, then have lunch (possibly sushi) the rest of the day is debatable, but we'd end up back at Michelle's for the night where I would sleep over and in the morning have breakfast with Linda. It was a nice plan and one we've been preparing for all week.

But then Linda forgot she had to work Saturday, which was fine. We can skip the movie. She gets off around two, then she would get me and Michelle and we'd hang out. But then she got a call, on Saturday while she was at work, from her brother that he was having a barbecue at his house with the family and she was obligated to attend. We opted not to go and just have Linda drop me off at Michelle's, which I understand is asking much of her, and we're always making her the driver (sucks not being able to drive) so I try to go by her schedule because i'm putting her out.

But she took too long, she didn't even get to pick me up until 4, and by then she was already way too late for the barbecue. So she picked me up and we went to the barbecue then go to Michelle's. And yeah, we did fail to tell Michelle that plan, then again I didn't know of the plan until Linda got me. So when Michelle called us she got pretty mad. And yes, I also understand her side. She cleared her whole day to hang out with us yet we didn't get to her until 6 at night.

It was all very poor planning, yet our plans are never set in stone. Linda is bad at planning, at setting concrete schedules. Michelle probably lives on a plan, I don't know. - That's a sad thing, we've been apart for way too long that I don't know her anymore. And me, as much as I want to be on a plan set in stone, it's not really in my control. I don't have the car and I can't push Linda so much because she's already doing so much for me already.

Maybe it's because I know Linda way too much that the fact that the schedule changes so constantly doesn't bother me anymore. But Michelle has been gone for a school year so she's not as used to it. And from what they've told me, they haven't really been hanging out while i was gone in the Philippines either. And to be honest, Michelle has always been peeved about Linda's flakiness.

So now why do I always feel like it's my fault. I know it's not but I feel like I am. I'm always in the middle of their spats. Maybe it's because i'm too empathetic. I take too much in consideration what other people think. Not just in general but of me.

I've never been good at confrontation either. As much as I want to talk to them about it, these issues they have, I just know that my lack of eloquence in real life is gonna make me say something that will offend them. And we may end up not talking to each other, or ever. And i can't afford that. They are the only friends I have, the only people I have in my life who isn't my mom or brother. I cannot afford to lose them.

I am not even exaggerating in the slightest! The only person I ever hang out with is Linda. And through her I have Brandy and all of my other friends. And then there's Michelle, who's not really here. Through her, I have her friends that I don't really talk to but when we see each other we talk.

I am literally just scared of losing everybody.

Fanfiction

Fanfiction is pretty much what keeps the fandom going. I mean, we love whatever TV show or movie we're watching but we just need MORE. We write these stories to explore deeper into the world we've been consumed with. Explore the possible relationships between characters or see what they'll be like if different situations are put upon them (AU's are such a pelasure!)

I use to write fanfiction - and by that I mean I use to publish them. If you look up my username on fanfiction.net, you'll see my archive of fanfics i've written in my tween days. (Between the ages of 13 - 15, how cringeworthy!) Back in those days, it was all about Gilmore Girls for me. And then in high school, i've moved on to High School Musical related fanfics. Not necessarily Troy/Gabriella or even any characters from HSM centric, more RPF than anything (Zanessa were so cute! Sue me!) In fact, if you go through my livejournal archives, you'll see more than just Zanessa fics there (There were some Selena/David Henrie fics and even a Zac Efron/Taylor Swift fic???) Boy was I adventurous! 

Anyways, that was before. I don't publish fanfictions anymore, at least not as much. (I've only published one in the last four years - which was an LBD fic) but that doesn't mean I still don't write them.

My mind is constantly coming up with these new scenarios when it comes to my favorite ships or teams or friendship. I don't automatically pull out my word doc to type them out, but a lot of the times when the story i've created in my head becomes so vivid, I can't help but type them out. Sometimes the story is so fascinating to me that I just want to go over it again without having to remember the details because they've already been written out. 

Thus, the reason why I have an entire folder with about 50+ fanfics i've read, ranging from various fandoms. A lot of them I wrote a long time ago (the oldest was probably 6 years?) It's fun to read those back again after I haven't looked at them for so long, it's like reading a story for the first time. These are those rare times where I think, "Wow, I am okay at writing." It's great because it literally is the image you see in your head being laid out in physical writing, so it's engraved forever.

Fact is, yes I have these fanfictions i've written stored in my computer. No, I will not publish them. For one, they are unfinished, second, they are VERY specific background information that has never been established in the story so you'll literally have to live in my head to understand the circumstances these characters are put through.

But, I do want to talk about them. There are too many and I'm kind of giddy about them!

I wont even talk about the IRL fanfic i've written about my alter ego and her life. Cause that is a territory that i'm not comfortable admitting even to myself yet!

A lot of my stories were lost because my old computer kept crashing on me so a lot of my data were lost. Those stories included a lot of my High School Musical stuff, Zanessa stuff, and my Gilmore Girls stuff.

TL;DR - I have a slew of fanfics that i've never published and will never publish (although I might show an excerpt) And I want to talk about them so i'm gonna do some random posts talking about them. The concept of the story and the plot points. I wont add them to this post though, because then this will be a fucking long post. But at some point i'll post them on here.

My Playing Ground

Well this is surprising. Not really if you live in my head, but we'll go with it.

I needed a place where I can dump all my thoughts fully and completely. Livejournal has been such an old concept to me; even though it has been a perfect place for me to form my online diary, i've been too far away from it to go back. It's like a childhood home for me, i've moved away from it for so long that when I go back, i feel like a foreigner there now. (and who wouldn't be after being away from the website for three years, have you seen the new changes to the interface?!?!)

And Tumblr, while it is my current playing ground, is a bit too exclusive for pictures and fangirling for me to just lay out all my thoughts. I like to keep my tumblr blog neat (wow this is such a joke for me to say if you've ever seen my tumblr blog) I like it all to be fandom related and jokes. Talking about real life and my emotions (that doesn't have to do with fandoms or ships) kind of brings a downer to my blog; plus I wanted to keep it separate.

I think blogger is the fastest way for me to have an online venting program to let out all my thoughts and share my day. I think I need this outlet cause god knows things get lost on my tumblr and 140 characters is not enough for me to express myself.

So this is where we are at now.

Hello first blog post.